This is a letter I wrote to you. I meant every single thing I said...but after the way you've been treating me...I don't know if you deserve it anymore.
It breaks me heart that I'll have to take all of this back.
The Letter:
Saturday, August 9, 2008. 5:15am Dear ----, I should be asleep right now, but I couldn’t get myself to sleep when I have so much that is on my mind. Maybe part of it is the fact that I’m still feverish, but there’s still so much in my head that I really want to get off my chest. I know that you’re leaving, and I know that no matter what I say or do, there’s no way I can change that. Although for a long time I kept hoping that somehow there’d be a way for us to stay together, I knew that it was going to have to end, as what happens with a lot of good things. I obviously can’t predict the future, but I would like to believe that we would have stayed together for a long time if we had met a better time, or were both staying in the same place. But who knows, maybe we would have gone our separate ways anyway. But I do know that if given the choice, I wouldn’t be ready to give you up for a long time – That, you can be sure of. It really kills me that I have to give you up. I’ve never had to give someone up like this before. With that being said, I still want you to what you mean to me, because I don’t think I’ve ever quite told you. When I first saw you – you caught my attention. But I assumed that you were probably the type of guy who thinks he’s too good for most people. When I saw my dad talking you to death and when I realized you were going to be the one to take my blood, it made me just a little nervous, because I was embarrassed by my dad and I didn’t want to be as talkative as him and be like my dad. But when you asked me about Japan and when I found out you seemed to like Japan and anime for the same reasons, I just couldn’t believe how cool you were. I was totally falling. After that day, I kept telling myself that you were simply being talkative out of duty, out of politeness. I kept telling myself that that was it. But Ashten helped me realize that the frustration of how we met was killing me, and I finally taking the chance of friend requesting you on facebook and you possibly thinking I was weird and creepy would have been the same as doing nothing at all. I had nothing to lose. I was wishing so hard to at least be friends with you. I would never have expected things to get as far as they did – and looking back on it now, I still can’t believe how lucky I was. When we hung out the first time, I was so happy. It was so exciting and I could not believe how awesome you were. But when I found out you were going to California…believe it or not, I was devastated. I couldn’t believe that after finally meeting someone so wonderful I was going to have to lose him. I was so hurt that I had debated on being colder towards you and pushing you away. But you still seemed to want to hang out with me, so I held on to any possible chance that it could workout somehow. During that first time we hung out in Richmond – I was convinced that you had lost interest in me, and I could not believe that that wasn’t the case. You don’t know how happy and surprised I was. I still can’t believe that we spent an entire summer together and that things ever got this far. And I’ve never had the pleasure of dating someone like you. I love that you try so hard to please everyone. Although sometimes it may backfire, since you can never make everyone happy, it still only shows that you just want to be considerate. That you just want to be a good person. I used to be that way, always putting others before my own happiness, and I guess in some ways I still am. But you should know that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. When you make mistakes, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself; everyone messes up from time to time. I want you to realize that you deserve so much happiness. Don’t ever think that you deserve less than what you want. You’ve got to defend what you want in life, because nobody else will. I admire how you openly show emotion. So many guys don’t. I think it takes a lot more courage to show people when you’re vulnerable than to just bottle it up all the time. That’s something I’ve worked on over the years, and am still working on. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve felt that I didn’t deserve to feel a certain emotion, or deserve to express it. I love how polite you are. I guess that ties into the fact that you’re always trying to be considerate, but I really love how you show respect to people and have manners. You have no idea how much of a turn on that is. I can’t stand people who are inconsiderate and rude. I’ve had to deal with so many of them. I love how you used to be very religious. Even if you feel like it was forced upon you, I feel like you wouldn’t be the good person you are today if you hadn’t been raised that way. I like to think of religion as a way to help us get through life, and a way to help us be better people. You seem to think the same way too, looking at all religions with an open mind, and I really like that. I love how you’re adventurous with sports and the like. I’ve always had this secret desire to be like that. When I was a little girl the tomboyish side of me always wanted to have a friend like you, someone I could do crazy things with. I’ve finally met someone like that (you), and it makes me so happy. I also love how you aren’t shallow. Your looks and personality make you so desirable to a lot of girls, yet it seems that you haven’t abused it. It’s hard to find someone like that, someone with such physical beauty who doesn’t get wrapped up or absorbed in it. So many people who were lucky with physical beauty often end up abusing it. I can’t stand people who get so cocky about themselves just because they have an attractive face or body. I’m so glad you’re not like that. It just makes you more beautiful. I love how you’re honest. Honesty is so important to me. It takes a lot of courage, too. It’s so easy to lie. Please don’t ever let yourself get caught up in lies for any reason; it will only hurt you and those around you. (Though I doubt you would ever let yourself get to that point). I also love your career choice. It shows that you want to help people, and I really like that about you. I also like the way you dress, the fact that you like dancing, and the music that you listen to that I was never exposed to. I like your easy-going attitude and I freakin’ love your smile. The sight of you just makes me melt. When I was mad at you yesterday and we were arguing, even though I was hurt I suppose I’m only writing this to show you that the time you spent with me wasn’t in vain, and that I love you as much as a person possibly can love someone they’ve only been able to share a summer with. And I suppose writing this and having you read it just before you leave is giving me some sort of closure. It kills me that I have to give you up to other girls. But it’s times like this in which I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that there’s a reason I was only able to have the summer with you. I appreciate the fact that you never played games with me – You warned me from the beginning that this was coming, and I knew it was. But the time I spent with you was worth the pain I’m feeling now, and I want you to know that. And please – if you ever look back on us, forget the bad times we’ve had and just remember the good. And though it pains me to say this – If you should ever need a friend, I’ll always be there. Thank you so much for spending your summer with me. You don’t know how sorry I am that we can’t be together. I wish you the best of luck and happiness. You deserve all the happiness in the world. Love, -----.
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